The Zombie Apocalypse Ultimate Survival Guide

Gabriel Jiang '24, Contributor

There may come a moment in everyone’s lives when they experience a zombie apocalypse. The moment you hear that there is a zombie apocalypse on the radio, you will want to follow this guide to survive. The first thing you want to do is turn off the radio and pretend you heard nothing. After all, you don’t want the zombies to find out you’re actually scared of them. However, the first thing you want to do if you really want to make the zombies think you’re scared—even though you’re obviously not—is grab that rocket launcher you’ve kept under the pillow for 87 years for this specific reason. Make sure to also grab your friend(s)—if you have any—and drag them along. You never know if you need some cannon fodder.
Then, if not already in a car, run out onto the streets and wave down a car. If one does stop for you, make sure to go up to the driver and take the car GTA style. It is also necessary to run them over while driving away to get those extra 10 points. After you have your primary form of transportation, make your way to the closest city because crowded places are the best, especially when everyone is panicking and zombies are raving on the streets. Don’t worry, it will be like your normal Monday morning commute. If there are too many people for your liking, there are still the woods you can stay in and be lonely—if you already used your friend(s) as cannon fodder.
Side note: if you ever do encounter a zombie, make sure to start blasting jazz music at 320 decibels. If that still doesn’t work, just blow them up with the rocket launcher.
A necessity for survival is finding Andrew Park and making him protect you with his magic—oops I wasn’t supposed to write that. The real necessity for survival is to have all the supplies you could possibly need. So, you should drive to Costco because everyone knows Costco has everything you could possibly need. Or, if you want to be a boring person, you can go to Walmart because they have most things.
If you choose not to stay in Costco (or some other store), you should go to the nearest sewer hole on the road and crawl into it. Try not to get run over by an oncoming vehicle. After all, you don’t want them getting those extra 10 points. Once you’re in the sewer system, it is time to build an empire. You have all the conditions you need: no zombies, no people, no light, and a river of running water. Now, let’s hope you cut down an entire forest for fun and have enough wood to build with even though this guide never told you to get wood. Oh well, too bad. Have fun digging through the wall.
Once you find the perfect place to stay with a lifetime amount of supplies and most importantly, toilet paper, you can watch the rest of the world burn outside your window, sort of like the past few years. Best of luck on your survival; I’ll be heading to Costco now.