Did the Oscars Slap???

Brigham Cooper '24, Contributor

Well, yes. The “greatest night in the history of television” transpired on March 27, 2022, when a few hundred multi-millionaires gathered in an auditorium to collect meaningless trophies (and give a sneak peek into the next season of WWE). Will Smith won best actor for his performance in King Richard, yet managed to snag the headlines for a completely different reason. If you haven’t been living under a rock, you already know where this is going: the Smith-Rock situation.
Chris Rock woke up on a Sunday morning and chose violence, deciding to subtly diss Jada Pinkett-Smith for her hair, allegedly oblivious to the fact that she has alopecia. Rock picked on his Madagascar co-star, saying how he “can’t wait for GI Jane 2,” referencing a 1997 movie starring Demi Moore. For this movie, Moore donned a buzz cut, similar to the hairstyle of Pinkett-Smith. At this point, the auditorium erupted into laughter.
“Good one, Chris!”
“Sign my baby, Chris!”
“Zoowie Mama, Chris!”
The former Fresh Prince joined in the fun, too! Pure euphoria! The camera cut to Will Smith, a multi-millionaire, laughing at a fun joke told by a fun guy at this fun award show.
And then it cut to Pinkett-Smith. She was not happy. She gave her hubby the look. The look that carried the wind of two thousand storms. William “Billiam” Smith received the look, and then he took it personally.
Strutting up to the stage, pixelated shades came down from the heavens, Doritos and Mountain Dew gushing in his mouth. Oh yeah, he’s a pro gamer now. Chris Rock, looking into the eyes of William “Wet Willy” Smith, thought in Comic Sans to himself, “Hello William, don’t touch me there.” And then, boom! He got slapped. The world gasped in unison. “How could a multi-millionaire punch another multi-millionaire in front of multi-millionaires at a multi-millionaire convention?” the world thought.
But what’s the aftermath? Well, our good pal Will Smith resigned from the Academy, meaning he can’t vote for who is nominated or who wins Oscars in the future. Chris Rock is in hiding, and has contracted a phobia of all Smiths, including locksmiths, coppersmiths, and even—you guessed it—Will Smiths. Lesson learned? Madagascar 4 is a long ways away.