Why Taking the Whole Bowl is Beneficial for Humankind

Brigham Cooper '24 and Nicholas Ji '22, Contributor and Staff Writer

Halloween is a child’s dream. For one night each year, no longer will they follow orders from people that know more than them. They want rewards. They crave sustenance. They hunger. They starve for salvation.
After vaguely threatening every tax-payer in a half-mile radius, the children return to their dungeons, we civilized beings call “basements,” and reveal their stashes of sugar disguised in chocolate and artificial fruit flavoring.
But not every adult wants to spend their Halloween night at the mercy of humans younger than the MCU. With Spooky Season on the horizon, some people would rather cozy up on their couches and binge scary movies with friends or loved ones, leaving the younglings to fight in glorious combat for The Bowl™.
If you’re not aware, The Bowl™ is a common Halloween tactic originating from the mid-20th century used to implement the ideology of Charles Darwin (1809-1882) onto children at a young age. This maneuver entails the use of a bowl filled with candy, a door, and a sign that says something along the lines of “Take only one please :).”
The bowl is to be placed outside of the door—a revolutionary discovery, as in days prior, the common practice would be to place the bowl inside the door. But no. The key component to executing a successful The Bowl™ operation is the sign.
The sign is designed to trigger a sense of rebellion among the children. When presented with an opportunity to do something they are “not supposed to do,” they will happily do it. The sign must be taped onto the bowl of candy, of course. Keep in mind that the door should be closed and the doorbell should be taped (optional) to minimize the amount of interaction between you and the little grasshoppers.
So why is The Bowl™ valuable to the nurturing of our youth? As mentioned before, The Bowl™ promotes education into Darwinism, something that is sure to help them in their freshman year biology class.
This tactic also teaches children to fend for themselves and to be grateful for the candy they already have been given. Happiness levels of children who are affected by The Bowl™ increase as well, with the one winner of the contest receiving a great boost of happiness leaving the runts of the litter in anguish.
The unfortunate souls who lose in this gritty brawl subsequently feel the loss to their very core and will be spurred to train all year, night and day, in preparation for next year’s battle—a chain of events that fosters improvement through friendly competition.
This data appears to become less accurate the older children get, as they develop and learn “empathy.” The Bowl™ also promotes earlier bedtimes for those who take advantage, and adults that use this tactic are sure to spend their evenings blissfully watching the Halloween specials of all the TV cartoons that are normally irrelevant.
Trick or treat, smell my feet, only one of you rats will get something good to eat.