The Return of the Salad Bar

Luke Han '25 and David Liu '25, Contributor

A huge travesty has befallen the Loomis Chaffee School. The heinousness known as the salad bar has made its dreaded return to the dining hall. First popularized by some of the most radical madmen in the Renaissance, salad is a disgusting food that has infiltrated our everyday society.
Disguising itself as “health food,” it fearmongers, coerces, and guilts us into eating it through its army of health buffs and vegans. In this way, salad may be the most despotic and manipulative food to ever exist. And now, it has marched its way into our very own dining hall.
The salad bar is full of different garnishes, toppings, and add-ons that tempt us into using them, ruining the little “healthy” there is in salad. Your favorite salad toppings could be your body’s least favorite digestant.
With these perilous toppings hidden behind the image of a “salad,” it turns your “good” choice into an even worse option. Not only this, but the atrocious bar has also been able to lure students away from the highly proclaimed Grill, to which we respond: do you want to get anemia?
Do not believe the evil propaganda sown by pseudo-liberals; salad will do nothing but make you weaker, and science supports it. A recent, completely reliable* scientific study conducted by food scientist* Dalas Etah I revealed that salad could cause a disease he has coined “Saladitis.”
This disease can be responsible for green discoloration of the skin, walking corpse syndrome, the growth of an additional arm, etc.
Mr. Etah is an accomplished scientist* in the scholarly world who has received various renowned awards*, so there is no doubt about the authenticity of his findings.
Based on all this completely legitimate evidence, there is no reason to delay: we must remove the salad bar immediately and lift the yoke of oppression from our heads.**

*Disclaimer: It should be noted that Dalas Etah I is not a licensed scientist and is a known conspiracy theorist. Saladitis has not been verified as an official disease by any major health organization.

**Disclaimer: DAVID LIU AND LUKE HAN SHALL NOT BE HELD LIABLE FOR ANY INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, CONSEQUENTIAL OR PUNITIVE DAMAGES, OR ANY LOSS OF PROFITS AND REVENUES , WHETHER INCURRED DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY RESULTING FROM THIS ARTICLE