The Ideal Day Off (for a Loomis Student)

Iris Sande '25, Contributor

Yes, you read the title correctly. And yes, you’re completely in the right to be absolutely horrified. The prophecies of old have all come true. The very stars in the sky have aligned in the shape of a pelican with an evil and plotting grin.
A day off for a Loomis student…is the vilest day of the year. Who knows the very horrors of the mind of one who has to walk from Founders to Chaffee and then back again to Founders in the freezing, pouring rain?
A day off at Loomis is filled with scheming.
The average student would be asleep in the early hours of 2 p.m. in the afternoon. You, however, are not the average student. As the quirky, little, evil student you are, you will utilize the evil hours of dawn indoctrinating a squirrel. This squirrel will bring terror to the Island.
As a forewarning, I advise you to take a seat if you’re standing, as even reading what this brutal nightmare of nature does could cause a lifetime of fear.
The squirrel shall, in the most menacing way possible, chase other squirrels. What makes it absolutely horrendous is that absolutely no one can stop it. Anyone who chases a squirrel will face disciplinary measures. And therefore, anyone who chases a squirrel chasing squirrels will face disciplinary measures…but squared, or should I say, squirrelled.
Once the horror is released upon the wild, you must—and this is the most important step—yell, but not too loud. Actually, don’t yell at all, or you’ll summon the phantom(?) birds that the Head of School Dr. Sheila Culbert is somehow able to find and post on her Instagram.
Days here move unusually quickly, so chances are, you’ll only have enough time for one activity.
Regardless, due to your notorious deeds, your name and a side profile of your face shall be forever made into a plaque, so people can rub your nose for a couple of years until everyone barely remembers you ever existed except as a shiney metal nose. However, your legacy will forever live on in the form of a raging squirrel chasing another squirrel.