Ticket Tribulations

Isabella Jiang '22, Contributor

The day Dr. Culbert announced our return to campus, mass panic seized the hearts of all who hoped to traverse the oceans. To go or not to go, that is the question… Who are you kidding—you didn’t gather a ramen stash for months for nothing. You look out your dirtied window, down into the empty streets. The only issue: there’s a pandemic.
The thundering roar of over-passing airplanes has become a mere memory, far and few in between. Ticket prices have skyrocketed, and you begin to regret spending your last savings on the entire boba stock at the local Whole Foods. (You really should’ve gone to Walmart.)
With only three weeks to find a solution, there are only two options: immediately become unbelievably rich or find a cheap alternative. Of course, both options seem quite unattainable with the dwindling hours, but as our elementary instructors have always assured us, “If you believe in yourself, anything is possible.”
Now, a larger question arises: how does one simply become unbelievably rich? Well, I can’t help you with that. As the wise man, Sun Tzu, once said, “Whatever you do, don’t reveal all your techniques…you fool, you moron.” However, I can offer you some tips to guide you along your journey.
Value and make connections.
Always remember, sacrifices must be made.
Above all else, remember, there is an advanced technique…called lying.
The second option, while incredibly more convoluted than the first, still yields quite simple solutions. While you may be oceans apart from campus, flying isn’t the only method of travel. When faced with a problem, people often claim that history always holds the answer, and I can’t agree more.
How did voyagers cross the oceans for centuries before the Wright brothers built their massive paper airplane? Ships. If you can’t afford a plane ticket, why not charter a ship? I’m sure it’s much less than the inflated airplane ticket prices we have today… totally. And it only takes a minimum of 15 days, just enough to arrive in time to start classes.
If this method doesn’t work for you, that’s alright. There’s plenty of other affordable ways to cross the ocean. Quite evidently, you can s w i m . Now that public pools and gyms have closed down and we’re all trapped in our houses, what better way to exercise than to swim 6,128.01 miles across the ocean (give or take a couple thousand days?)? Not only is this option the cheapest one of them all, but also you hit two birds with one stone: lose the quarantine fat and get to school.
Finally, if all else fails, you can always just return that Whole Foods boba stock you purchased. Trust me, you’ll have enough money to purchase a plane ticket, a bushel of masks, and enough bubble wrap to quarantine yourself while on the plane.