Bobby Bazinga, the Only 3rd Party Candidate You Need on Your Ballot

Murder, Wildlife, and Furries among Bazinga’s Top Concerns

Arthur Beaugeard '23, Contributor

My fellow Americans, I know that many of you grow weary of our two-party corporate duopoly. I know many of you seek something more dynamic and interesting — something which truly speaks to the needs of the everyday American. I, Bobby Bazinga, will bring the working man into our American politics as I declare my candidacy as the representative of the Intellectual Party.

As a Presidential nominee, I will first address the elephant in the room — multiple elephants, in fact, and the multitude of zebras, cheetahs, mosquitos, bears, and meerkats, who, despite making up the majority of our population, pay next to nothing in taxes. These wild beasts live rent-free in our great country, and no matter how hard we try, they refuse to get a job and give Uncle Sam his due.

They must be deported. They must be deported so that they, their little furballs, and their stinky turds will no longer pollute our country. The first step in this process is taking down their lobbyists in Washington at the zoos and circuses who woo our politicians with athletic stunts and sultry glares.

Now, although the real deal may be terrible, there is nothing wrong with emulating our fluffy frenemies. For too long, those who dress up as animals — furries — have been persecuted for exercising their freedom of expression given to them by our very founding fathers. The difference between wild animals and furries is that furries actually do pay taxes, which is precisely why we need a national Furry Day to commemorate them and cement their place in the diverse fabric of America despite what hateful bigots will say.

No matter what detractors will misconstrue them as, their meows, barks, purrs, moans, grunts, and roars must ring loud and true over the cacophony of hate. The festivities will include a faux furry hunt, blind furry and human dates, and even more fluffy shenanigans.

The last thing on my agenda is considered “radical” and “idiotic” by many, but it becomes more mainstream by the day. Murder must be legalized. It will seem impossible only until it is done. As we can see from the Central American model, murder is extremely popular, and it allows an individual the ultimate “freedom”: to end another’s life.

There is absolutely no tangible or logical reason why Big Government and their evil cronies should interfere with your right to rub out your neighbor with a Nerf gun, a butter knife, or even your unwashed feet.

If you crave for a freer world where each of us contributes their fair share, where we respect the identity of every person, and where the true Liberty our founding fathers dreamed of comes to fruition, vote for the Intellectual Party. Our movement has consistently invented the most equitable solutions to the pressing questions of today.