Quarantine Horoscopes


Julie Chung '21

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Cooper Raposo, Contributor

As the Loomis Chaffee community finds itself in quarantine, we must look to our astrological signs to incite self-reflection while in our isolated state. I have consulted with the moons, the stars, (and whatever else dictates astrological stuff) and compiled a list of how each horoscope has been handling these trying times.

Aries: You have begun to interact with your parents one too many times throughout the day and are rightfully beginning to wonder if they are scheming to give you as little privacy as possible. Maybe it’s time to invest in a lock for your bedroom door.

Taurus: You have started to create Castaway-style friends, sculpted from hoodie-wearing footballs with horrifying smiley-faces scribbled onto them. They aren’t great conversationalists.

Gemini: You begin to wonder whether you are being hit by the effects of social distancing, or if you were always just wildly unpopular.

Cancer: Masks are, in your opinion, unbecoming. Therefore, you have decided to abandon all hope of ever seeing the outside world again and stave off the virus with a healthy dose of contained family fun (indoors, of course).

Leo: In your most recent Zoom call, you opted to put yourself on mute and let the rest of the class do the talking while you were mesmerized with a squirrel outside your window. The teacher may have noticed.

Virgo: While you’ll admit that your newfound love of cooking has garnered some mixed results, the gluten-free zucchini brownies were a definite flop.

Libra: Even the bursting gallery of streaming services that you subscribe to cannot satiate your thirst for another season of Ozark…

Scorpio: Your baking endeavours have been a great success! Your friends are wildly envious of your bake-shop-like kitchen, and the taste of your pistachio croissants doesn’t carry well over FaceTime.

Sagittarius: The uncertainty of returning to the Island next year has struck you more than most, but the sound of your sibling’s trumpet practicing through your wall has forced you onto the brink of a psychotic break.

Capricorn: You have found yourself taking long, reflective walks every evening. But can the music in your headphones drown out your thoughts?

Aquarius: This chronic isolation has got your creative juices flowing, and a steady stream of inconsequential doodles has kept your mind off of anything concerning the College Board.

Pisces: Did your WiFi really just cut out during that call, or was it a minor glitch in your attention span? Maybe it could be something to take up with your service provider. After all, you’ve called them so often that they practically know you by name!