Keeping Up with Kangaroos: A Quarantine Survival Guide

Nicholas Ji '22, Contributor

It’s 3 a.m. on a Saturday night. I am surrounded by piles of papers, books, candy wrappers, and a week-old pizza box.
What is the meaning of life? Why are we here? Did genies used to exist until someone wished that they didn’t?
Minutes seem to blend into hours, hours to days, days to weeks, weeks to months, as my life spirals slowly into a void of monotony. In order to break routine, I’m going to pause the usual “interview” to provide a very important piece of information: if all the kangaroos in Australia sailed across the world to invade Finland, each Finn would have to battle approximately eight kangaroos by himself/herself.
According to the Australian Office of Environment & Heritage, if someone is attacked by a kangaroo, they should “drop to the ground and curl into a ball with hands protecting the face and throat.”
Essentially, the most acceptable response is to assume fetal position and wait for your untimely demise at the hands of a belligerent kangaroo.
However, this response just wouldn’t cut it! Without fighting back, the kangaroos would topple the existing government institutions and establish a Kangaroo State—a government of the roos, by the roos, and for the roos.
Luckily for the Finnish, though, punching a kangaroo is acceptable so long as it is in self-defence.
There’s still one problem. Kangaroos have incredibly strong arms and impeccable boxing ability, capable of breaking ribs and bashing heads.
And if one of those happens to be Roger, a roid-munching kangaroo that can actually crush metal (this guy right here), maybe it’s actually to your benefit to assume the previously mentioned fetal position and wait for your brain to be turned into soup.
But wait, there’s more. The kangaroos will only engage into a boxing match after they have opened with a hind kick with a blazing force of 850 PSI. It only takes around 50 PSI to kill a human if the blow comes as a sudden impact. Forget about survival, now it’s a question of whether or not there will be enough body left for the person’s funeral.
It’s truly an alarming thought, one that we as a species must be wary of, lest the formation of a hostile, totalitarian Kangaroo State ever comes to fruition.
Yeah, if you can’t tell yet, I hope I never have to write a “What students are doing in quarantine” article ever again\; perhaps the concluding of this year’s Log may be a blessing in disguise.
Hopefully, the curve will be completely obliterated soon enough, and our daily lives (as well as my mental state) can return to normal once again.
At least now you know more about kangaroos, though.