The Quarantine Cookbook: Recipe For Disaster

John Howley ’21, Mélange Editor

The Quarantine Cookbook: Recipe For Disaster

Right now, you’re hungry. How do I know that? Well, I don’t. But I can make a pretty educated guess considering that we are all stuck in the house with only ourselves to talk to and a pantry to consume in its entirety. I mean, what else do you have to do? You haven’t seen your friends in weeks and have rightfully filled that void with a heap of food from your parents’ irrationally large stockpile. So, let me help you help yourself with a few of my favorite quarantine delights.

Raw Pasta Salad
I know for a fact that three weeks ago, when we were all preparing for the downfall of civilized society, our parents stockpiled pasta for its ready-to-make, non-perishable yumminess. Sure, you could boil it, but why not just eat it raw? Consume pasta in its natural form: hard, inedible, and…delicious. Just mix it in with some greens and mayonnaise (or whatever pasta salad is made of) and enjoy. But be careful about your teeth — they could break (note: raw pasta is hard).

Farm to Table Salad
Fresh produce has become scarce due to the increasingly deteriorating food supply chain, but you don’t need to pay $68 for a stick of celery\; just go out in your backyard! Assemble some freshly cut grass, garnish it with some dirt, mix in that random brown stuff, and wow, a freshly made salad. The ultimate produce.

Fruit Salad, but Just the Peels
Science has shown that the apple’s skin is the healthiest part of the apple (yes, that’s actually true). So, why don’t you just apply that to every fruit? Assemble some apple skins (for health), banana peels (for flavor), and the prickly pineapple skin (for pain) and eat just the peels of the fruit. The actual juices are overrated. I mean, it’s time for watermelon skin to have its moment in the limelight.

Crazy Condiment Commotion
Let’s admit it. We all hate health-smoothies. They are terrible. No one wants your green, cleansing, kale torture juice, KAREN. So ditch the fruits and veggies and embrace the less utilized realms of your fridge: the condiments section. Just blend together that relish, that ketchup, and if you’re feeling a little crazy, some mayo, and slurp on that yummy condiment surprise. Also, I hate kale 🙂

Meat Popsicle
Just freeze some cold cuts\; it’s pretty self-explanatory. Perfect for a hot summer day! Warning: not for vegans or vegetarians.