A Day in the Life of a Zoom Art Student

Brett Donshik '21, Staff Writer

*Warning: This article is for satirical purposes only. These scenarios do not represent how Loomis Chaffee art teachers are approaching online classes. They are doing a wonderful job.

As a very talented and dedicated art student, you had managed to gain exclusive special permission from the Academic Office to take only art classes during your junior year instead of actually fulfilling your graduation requirements.
Your first two terms had gone incredibly smoothly and successfully, but the announcement that classes were moving online filled you with great consternation. Due to the intrigue and anxiety surrounding this switch, you decided to journal your first two days of classes:
B1: Painting — Today, my teacher decided that, even though many of us have absolutely no access to paint, we would begin an at-home painting portfolio. As I searched my house for materials, I found that the only paint we had was the wall paint from our recent home renovation. I decided that I would create a series of murals around the house to showcase my artistic expertise. My teacher was thrilled with my creativity and ambition\; my parents, however, not so much.
B2: Ceramics — As I awaited my pottery wheel delivery from Amazon, we discussed over Zoom how clay comes from the ground. Since I didn’t have an order of clay coming, I decided to take matters into my own hands. The rest of the class watched as I hopelessly dug around my backyard hoping that clay would just somehow appear despite the fact that I live quite far from a river where clay would realistically be found.
B3: Drawing — This class was chill and almost normal. We used computer paper, drew with pencils, and talked. This class has been by far the smoothest to transition into Zoom so far.
B4: Choir — I think my teacher doesn’t realize that Zoom has a mute feature. She has decided that we need to all sing at the exact same time, which, due to sound delays, creates some of the worst noises that anyone could ever imagine. It has become her mission to beat these delays and get us to sing in unison. We have not moved on past the first line of the song and will not before we are successful. Somehow, I think it will be a miracle if we move on before the end of spring term.
B5: Band/Orchestra — I now actually think that the entire music department is out to torture human ears, especially those of our family members. The band and orchestra teachers decided that we should combine forces this term to become a massive symphony that creates a cacophony by making all the students play as loudly as possible while their sound is still turned on. Listening closely, I think I hear the voices of parents cursing at their kids wondering why their house sounds like a car wreck. Was there a department meeting banning the use of the mute button?

B6: Theater — In theater, my teacher decided that we’re going to put on an entire musical over Zoom with elaborate set design. I doubt all of us are going to be able to find props sophisticated enough to put on The Addams Family, but I guess it will be worth the effort\; although, I don’t really know how we can put this on without any close contact, especially due to the dance numbers. At least during most of the show, only one person is talking/singing at a time.

B7: Free — I sat wondering why I decided to dedicate myself so completely to the arts. Maybe I should switch my goals and become a computer science specialist.