Satire: How to Write a Good Application for Any Position

Stacey Zhang '22, Contributor

With beaming sunshine and fresh leaves, spring is a season of new beginnings. The season, however, is more known to many aspiring Loomis students as the season of competitive applications for leadership positions, which are crucial for their flamboyant LinkedIn profiles.

Following decades of success with its renowned writing program, the Loomis English Department is excited to introduce a new course: the Sophomore Spring Application Workshop. Carpe Diem, Apply Today.

The following guide will both provide a preview into the material of and gauge interest for this writing-intensive course. Here are three tips on how to craft an exceptional application with ease.

Know your favorite fruit.
“What is your favorite fruit and why?” is one of the trickiest questions on the math tutor application form this year.

“I spent three hours contemplating why kiwi is my favorite fruit. I just don’t want people to see me as their run-of-the-mill pineapple fanatic, you know?” Kate Shymkiv ’22 commented.

Although the question may seem irrelevant to many, students should learn to see beyond the question itself. Sure, the application reviewers might want to see uniqueness among applicants like Kate suggested, but more importantly, the question tests an applicant’s thoughtfulness about trivial things, like their reasoning for their favorite fruits.

Is it the exotic texture of kiwi, or the fry-potential of plantains? Have you considered other people’s beliefs that the tomato is also a fruit? Being willing to engage with questions and lean into discomfort thoughtfully is a fundamental quality for a successful math tutor, as well as many other positions on campus.

Interpretive sentences, interpretive sentences, and interpretive sentences.
We can never stress enough the importance of interpretive sentences. Quotes from yourself or your friends talking about you will enrich your application essays immensely.
Not only do they showcase a lively image of yourself in real life, but they also leave room for interpretation and analysis that can relate the quote to the position applied.
Here’s an example submitted by Emily Khym ’23, who applied to be a tutor at Writing Studio:

My spontaneous text to my friends, “Wanna go to the library for Study Hall?” highlights my dedication to schoolwork, my courage in taking initiative, and my kindness and inclusivity.

“All the world’s a stage.” – William Shakespeare
Writing ten applications in a week is no easy task, so why not answer them through videos? During my experience of viewing numerous applications for my middle school club, I found myself constantly skipping some parts due to the monotony of the many application essays.

To stand out in the tedium of the selection process, make a video of you answering the questions, or even better, act them out. What would you do if there’s a conflict in the dorm? Ask your theater friend to act a scene with you, and you can vividly show how you would defuse the situation with composure and wit.

(Note: there are some video editing classes included in the workshop that will be taught by art faculty.)

Though this might sound great, you should only use it at the right time, so that it doesn’t come off as a pretentious show of your spectacular acting skills.

There is much more well deliberated and designed content to the Application Workshop course, which will guarantee a student’s success in the next application season. Because of the limited number of seats, however, the Loomis English Department has decided to require a selective application process for the course.