Satire: How to Properly Socially Distance Yourself

Stephanie Zhang, News Editor

Social distancing: a phrase that has quickly soared to popularity and now makes more appearances in your life than those pesky pop-up ads of the item you just checked out on Amazon. But with all these news articles, tweets, and texts telling us to socially distance ourselves, what exactly do these words mean? And how do we properly distance ourselves? Do not quarantine yourself into fear; I have the answers.


You must reject all human contact. Isolation is the key ingredient of social distancing.
Be prepared to never come out of your house, or better yet, your room, until you absolutely run out of every source of food, water, and toilet paper. Move into your childhood treehouse! Stay in your closet if you need to.
An additional tip: if you are forced to have contact with family members, it is especially helpful to use masking tape and caution tape to establish boundaries in the house, so no one invades your personal space (at least a 6-foot radius, of course).

Protective measures:

Thankfully, the world has plenty of products that help with self-isolation. I find that one of the most useful products for ensuring the air you breathe is only your own, is the human-size inflatable hamster ball.
With this product, the fear factor of the coronavirus is eliminated as you’ll literally be in your own bubble. But make sure to include a couple of succulents and plants in there to provide you with some fresh oxygen. You can even wear a diaper if you don’t want to constantly step out of the bubble to go to the bathroom.
Another effective system, other than masks and gloves, is to attach a circle of pool noodles to your belt and wear it when going outside. This ingenious method not only sends the message “since you see me, get away from me” it also forces people to literally stay 6 feet or farther away from you, because they couldn’t come near you if they wanted to.
Okay, moving onto chemical protective measures, you must carry hand sanitizer, Lysol wipes, and Lysol sprays AT ALL TIMES. This piece of information is crucial. Although each individual product only kills 99.999% of germs, all three of them combined can kill 99.9999999% which is a .0009999% higher guarantee of your safety. In times like these, chances cannot be taken. Any time you touch something–even if it’s a speck of dust–or breathe among others, take the time to wash your hands, hand sanitize thoroughly, or use Lysol wipes.
Pro tip: If you use Lysol like deodorant and aggressively spray it on furniture, clothing, or yourself, you can kill germs and establish your spacial dominance.


Finally, the last key part of social distancing: consult your more introverted friends for some extra expertise on the matter. After all, they’ve been practicing the art of social distancing as a lifestyle before it became mandatory.
Be as awkward as possible in order to keep people away. Tell people you are emotionally unavailable. In every relationship you’re in, tell the person you “need some space.” And whatever you do, do not make eye contact with people either. Protect your eyes with sunglasses and goggles for extra safety. When Facetiming or Zoom calling with people, make sure to wipe your screen first and then stay 6-feet away from the screen.
Take inspiration from Tom Hanks in Cast Away and make your own Wilson the Volleyball to be your new best friend. Make sure to sanitize him too. Finally, with all this free time, figure out how to master the skills of telepathy and telekinesis. If you avoid touching and talking, your flow of germs will diminish greatly.
That’s all I have for “How to properly social distance yourself!” I’m going to head into my closet now with my giant hamster ball and my new best friend, Wilson.