RePrint Melange: Desperate Times, Desperate Measures

By Neala Sweeney ’20

Here on the Island, and in many other places in the United States, it is prom season. This means dresses are being bought, tuxedos are being rented, and the smell of sweet underclassmen desperation is in the air.

        Once, maybe in the distant past, Loomis was a place where seniors took seniors to prom. As the years have gone by, underclassmen girls have begun to say “no more” and to take action in order to force their way into prom . One anonymous freshman girl has threatened multiple senior boys with the sound bite of “Before He Cheats,” by Carrie Underwood, with the accompanying message “me without a prom date hehe rofl.”  Another sophomore girl has claimed that if she does not get a prom date by next week, she will kidnap a senior boy and force him to listen to compilations for hours until he agrees. It has also been rumored that an underground organization has formed between the freshman and sophomore classes and meetings take place every Thursday morning in the Day Student Lounge to discuss the strategies and measures needed to be taken to get a prom date this season. They are said to have a list of every senior who does or does not have a prom date.

        There has been severe backlash from the upperclassmen population asking underclassmen boys and girls to “please leave us alone,” and that they are “scared.” To try and ward off the underclassmen, many a senior has taken to starting every conversation with, “So have you started thinking about college yet?” Another popular warding off technique has been making it obvious that one does not like, nor listens to, Drake or Shawn Mendes. In this day and age, it has become commonplace for seniors to slowly leave behind the constructs of hygiene. The varsity boys lacrosse team is allegedly hiding underneath Olcott, waiting until prom night when they can finally come out of their forced hibernation. Although these techniques are somewhat effective, nothing truly deters the path of a determined underclassmen girl.

        Every year underclassmen make an effort to try to get a prom date, and the facts are that every year most of them fail. The victorious ones live on as legends in the eyes of freshmen and sophomore boys and girls alike. They are the unforeseen heroes. The art of finessing has never been more prevalent than in this generation, and it truly shines during spring term. Fads and trends will pass, but underclassmen who try to finesse their way to prom will never be a fad. It is a lifestyle.