You Deserve a List

Just an FYI, my stress levels are as high as that plane flying right over your head right now. Oh look, it’s gone. So this year’s coming to an end (Non-seniors, hang tight. You’ve got this), and I feel that since today is commencement (is it though?), we should recap some of the things that happened this year. Right now, as I’m sitting in painting, typing this up while Chet is building my canvas for me (sorry Chet) my brain is going “Bleeerghasdfklajlsdfk’[email protected]&$$$!!!” Probably because we have 1+ days of school left (I’m really bad at approximations). Probably because I’ve been reading too many Onion articles and taking them way too seriously. Probably because Kim Jong-un unordered the execution of – Wait. This is the wrong section for anything informative. Okay here we go you’re really great and thanks for reading this really long sentence because I learned nothing from Correct Grammar and ah tagline you deserve this list!

Remember when I talked about death of the iPod Nano a while back? Well yeah, a week after that, the iPhone 6 was released – and guess what, I have this thing called an iPhone 4 because I’m a nonconformist. Parents, if you see this, my phone is okay; it only starts making beeping noises and automatically narrating my search history from safari – It’s all good though. It’s all good that the random guy who ran next to me in the gym a couple weeks ago now knows I googled “Can you die from a papercut?” It’s all good that my next door neighbor is aware that I did not know that Montreal is not in South Africa, but somewhere in Canada. It’s all good. At least I can still watch Buzzfeed videos on my phone. Yeah, “Weird Thoughts You Have Around Your Crush,” the wi-fi in my dorm might be kind of crappy, but at least there aren’t Cheez-Its in the cracks of my screen keeping me from watching you in the library. This seems like it happened at least a millennia ago because in this weird place, time seems to go by so fast that it only seemed like yesterday when the tux man—was in the Parton Room. Oh wait.

(We couldn’t find a picture of the Asian Station, so pretend that this is it.)

This is as disappointing as the Spider-Man 3 movie. This year’s seniors get early graduation, and what do the rest of us get? A lifetime guarantee of disappointment and a lifetime supply of plastic sporks provided by the Loomis dining hall (I hope this spread of falsely created information gets the dining hall to start providing sporks now. #moresporks2015). Maybe the higher ups misheard the Head of School when she made an announcement about a ‘Pearly Fat Mutation.’ Like, whoops, Freudian slip! And bam, early graduation for two years because human beings are inherently terrible listeners and yet great at conflict resolution (especially at untangling cords…how is everyone so good at that???) So yes, thank you very much. Swirly hat taxation.

Yeah, THAT’S RIGHT. Shameless self-promotion. I’m going to take this time to talk about a couple of things (Also this is my way of summarizing all the other things that happened this year into one paragraph). Because this is my column and I can do whatever I want. First of all, you can’t spell ‘PROM’ without ‘WROMP,’ which is the sound I make when I fathom the metaphysics of fake eyelashes. Prom was…uh…three (four? six?) days ago and I hope that there were no wardrobe malfunctions mid “Macarena” and no one’s wig fell onto their date’s shoulder. If that did happen to someone, please email me at [email protected] (yes this is a real email address, just ask my history class) and I will gladly compensate your loss with more horrifyingly cringeworthy humor and maybe baked goods. Heavy emphasis on the maybe. As Miranda Priestly said in The Devil Wears Prada, “That’s all.”

Should we say our goodbyes now? Yes I think so. So my very long brain fart that has lasted nine months is now finally over. I apologize, but I hope your self-esteem has improved and you solved your consistent hangnail problem. Motivational quote of the day questioning the existentialism of the discovery of a pebble in the dining hall dessert:
“Ah! Basquiat!”
– Drake

(still in Painting)