Illoominati Confirmed? (Satire)


Graphic Credit: Claudia Liu ’17

One of the most intriguing aspects of Loomis is the tunnels. We all know they’re there, beneath every dorm, with the entrance in the basement. There are the rumors that ghosts roam up and down the long hallways, searching for a new home now that the old Health Center is no more. Apparently people got trapped in there once. But that could just be another rumor. One time, when storing stuff in the Mason basement, I asked Mrs. Caligiuri about one of the doors down there, wondering if it was the tunnel’s entrance and joking about going in. She looked startled and quickly rejected my joke, which peaked my suspicion. I had always been told, ever since freshman year, that the tunnels were built as bunkers for the impending nuclear war. This seemed extremely plausible to freshman, day student me, but then, junior year, I realized that Loomis was built a few decades before nuclear war was a threat. Also, they extended the tunnels when building Cutler back in 2014, and, God, I hope there was no threat of nuclear war then. Then, the explanation was that we could hide in the tunnels during a tornado or some other weather emergency. But what was the likelihood a tornado of that magnitude would hit Windsor? I have no idea, but let’s go with unlikely. So, what are these tunnels for?

You may have heard of the Illuminati, a group that just kinda fixes reality to a certain outcome. Well, here, at Loomis, in the tunnels, we have the Illoominati. Yep. This is a fact. Feel free to fact check. The Illoominati is the coalition of faculty, staff, and one student who meet every second Tuesday of the month at 12:21 AM in the tunnels. Think ominous hooded-figures. At the head of this crew is none other than Dr. Culbert. All dorm heads are positioned as gatekeepers, in fact, dorm heads are chosen based on how much they’re trusted to protect the entrances at all costs. Faculty and staff receive invites to the meetings through their coincidentally, Loomis-supplied FitBits, and board members, subordinate to Dr. Culbert, occasionally show up at the meetings when they’re invited back for a “meeting” or a “trustees brunch”. That one student in the Illoominati is chosen by Dr. Culbert herself. No other student could ever guess who it is because they’re so carefully chosen on account of their intelligence, stealth, and social ties. It may be safe to assume it’s the same person hiding in the Pelican costume. But have you ever notice how some kids just don’t come back one school year? The Illoominati can only trust one person for so long, and they must remove the previous Student to prohibit any information getting out.

So what does the Illoominati fix? Actually, what doesn’t the Illoominati fix? Ever tried out for a sport and gotten cut from Varsity or the sport itself? Illoominati. What about the play or the musical? Ever gotten the “thanks for auditioning, but we’re sorry we don’t have room for you email?” Illoominati. Ever seen Mr. Lawrence absolutely insist spring term ceramics is full and cannot possibly fit another person? Illoominati. The Illoominati creates students’s futures for them by steering them away from the wrong things. During those early morning/late night meetings, the group discusses ways to manipulate students into pursuing what they deem their “destiny”. Also, whenever the moon is full, the teachers make a pact to give tests, papers, and projects all do on the same day. This is know as the “November 1st Pact”.

The Illoominati’s ways, although a little disturbing sounding, has actually proved to work quite well. It has steered every student a certain direction since 1914. Jason Wu (Michelle Obama’s go-to dress designer) was pushed into art exemptions and AP Art. It was just “too bad” that he got cut from nearly every sport he tried out for and that cardio was full. He would just have to do an art exemption instead. “Sorry, Jason, but the only art class available for you to take is AP Art!” Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

All that being said, the Illoominati could just be yet another rumor. Maybe the tunnels really do serve as shelter for one of those seasonal, Windsor tornadoes, or maybe nuclear war remains a threat that’s extremely lacking media coverage. Or maybe there’s just some water pipes down there and the tunnels act as place for the water to safely remain when the pipes inevitably burst. On the other hand, just because we don’t see the Illoominati doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Not all rumors are false. Kanye said Taylor Swift let him use her name in “Famous” and we didn’t believe that rumor, but Kim proved it! For this conspiracy to become truth, we need our hero–our Kim–to confirm the speculation of the tunnels.